My heart’s prayer: Lord, You spoke, acted, and did an amazing work in my life. I need you at this very moment. Make me into what you say I should be. Mold me. Even in this time of weakness, may I show your strength. Do what you say you’ll do. I love you. I trust you. I need you.
All of a sudden everything around me was changing. This should have been nothing new to me since I lived as a military wife for over 15 years, which meant there were certainly a lot of uprooting and uncertainties that came with that lifestyle. Why were things spinning out of control now?
I have always been a person who often sought to do what was right (well, after I was transformed by the blood of Christ of course). And I must add, I never did this perfectly. I never could. I never tried (well, not all the time:) I experienced many failures along the way, I believe my God used everyone of them-nothing is wasted; However, my desire has always been to be completely consumed and used by God, even if that meant fighting a massive battle of insecurities and hard trails.
So again I ask…why was this time different? I thought I was doing ok. I was dealing with the death of my step-dad (who was like a father to me) pretty well. I was doing my best to work through the emotions and transitions of leaving a church home and family that I had known and served with for over 13 yrs. My children were transitioning into adulthood….marriage, college, starting lives on their own; however, I still had a young one to raise. Furthermore, still more transitioning was taking place. I stepped down from a ministry that I truly thought I would be in for life. Everything was changing.
Then the day came, I remember it as if it were yesterday, because everything inside me seemed to shift at the very moment…I had a sudden chest pain., which quickly started to open up an array of tests for my heart. Sitting in the doctors office during many appointments all I could think of was..why is this happening now? My son is getting married. My husband and I are fixing to renew our wedding vows and celebrate 25 years together. These were happy times. But the underlining fear of the unknown was having a great work in me. My body was getting emotionally and physically fatigued, but I was having a hard time showing any weakness. My inner body was winning the battle. I started to have anxiety attacks. I didn’t even know what was going on. I thought this is it, I am having a heart attack right here in the middle of Costco. Normal life was becoming more and more difficult. Was I going crazy? I know there is someone reading this that can relate to the feelings that seemed to be suffocating me.
On a brighter note, my heart checked out fine.
How did I get to this point? Did I leave a door open for satan to come in and reap havoc on my life? I know he takes pleasure in these moments. He is roaming around seeking whom he can devour. And from the beginning of creation his tactics haven’t changed one bit. He was quickly telling me I was of no use anymore. My faith was as good as worthless, and he told me I was a failure and a disappointment. I began to believe these lies for a short while, and I mean a short while. I know who my God is, and I know His voice. I know that He does not condemn. I know that He does not bring a spirit of fear, but that of peace. I know that even in the darkest moment that those moments are as bright as day to my Lord. He sees me and He holds me and surrounds me with His goodness.
The truth is:
I am found righteous in Christ
I am redeemed
I am chosen
I have power
I am strong, even when I feel weak
I am loved no matter what, even in my darkest hour
I don’t have to do this in my own strength
Even though I was knocked down, I will get back up and continue the race with endurance. I feel like I am limping at times, but I continue to not rely on my own power and strength, but I seek and rely on the power and strength that has already been given to me by the blood of Jesus. Greater is He who is in me.
I know so many of you can relate to what I am going through, because I have walk along side some of you in your pain and struggles. I have a deeper understanding. God gives us trails and sufferings so we can in turn comfort those who may be going through the same kind of pain. Thank you to all of you who have spoke such an encouragement into my life. Thank you for opening up to me and sharing your journey with me.
It is in our time of weakness that we need God the most. It is so easy to try to feel the need to live up to some kind of standard and make others around get the impression that you got it altogether. I personally love a person who can be real and easily admit their dependency upon their Savior. This is real life abiding. This is where the real transformation takes place. And, guess what? Jesus already won the battle, so we will walk this journey together….
I will press on.
“You are of God, little children, and have overcome them, because He who is in you is greater than he who is in the world.” 1 John 4:4
“Therefore, I run thus: not with uncertainty. Thus I fight: not as one who beats the air. But I discipline my body and bring it into subjection, lest, when I have preached to others, I myself should become disqualified.” 1 Cor. 9:26
“My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me.” John 10:27